Pretend Play

Andrew has started pretending! I didn't think that started until earlier. Last weekend, when he was in his stroller, he clearly mimicked picking up a cheerio from his cup, handing it to Jim, and then eating it. Then he kept looking over at a nearby girl. It took me a minute, but I realized that she had cheerios, and another minute to realize that he probably wanted some. Luckily, Jim had packed some for him, just in case, and, sure enough, he gobbled some up.

Then, this morning, he pretended to pick up something from a clearly empty surface, pretended to give it to me, and then pretended to put it in his mouth. Then he just giggled like he had invented the game.

He has also started a new game, all on his own, where he stands behind me and tries to push me over. I let him, and then I push back. Giggles again! You can just see how he feels so strong that he can push an adult. It's all in fun.

Have I also mentioned that we've figured out how to handle it when he hits? First, I distract him by playing high five. It gives him an invitation to hit in a playful, acceptable way. We'll congratulate him for a successful high five, and he'll grin. Then, I rub him gently, on the back or leg, and say, "be gentle". Sure enough, he'll start rubbing instead of hitting. It even works across the room, if he starts hitting one of the dogs. We'll say to be gentle and he'll start rubbing them instead.

Is it weird that I just love the toddler stage? Yes, the constant crying can be annoying, but, well, his tantrums are almost funny. That sounds heartless, I know, but I can just see the wheels turning in his head. Like, the other day, when he really wanted to put some toy coins in a toy bank. He'd give the coin to me, then grab it and try to put it in himself. Sometimes he could, and sometimes not. He'd get so excited when he could and just collapse in despair when he couldn't. He's never been as cute as he is now. At least now I know what he wants, and he still recovers quickly and goes back to being his sunny self. I love that he's starting to have a mind of his own, and he's more fun than ever.

Our Last Year of TV?

Either motherhood has turned me into a prude, or things are crazy in network-land.

Earlier this week, I was still recovering from a 2-day bout of fever, and sat in front of the TV for 2 straight hours watching 4 sit-coms. Andrew was at a family member's house and then Jim was taking care of him. It feels like it's been a really long time since I've done that since I'm usually taking care of Andrew during that time. Even if the TV is on, I rarely pay such close attention as I did the other night.

In the 2 hours I witnessed:
The B word many times
The A word several times
"She's a GDB"
An unmarried couple stripping and running into a hotel room
A nurse handing a college guy a bunch of condoms for the guy's first date
2 girls making out in public (not close up, but it was brought to attention by dialog)

There was more, but this is the stuff that I can remember quickly off the top of my head. Oh, and there were commercials that I could argue were directed to very young kids in there, too. Classy.

The craziest part was that the most offensive, adult-oriented material was in the first 30 minutes. It was rated for ages 14+. Yeah, like 13-year-olds go to bed at 7:00PM. And besides, that is what the industry considers OK for a 14-year-old? I would cringe if a 17-year-old saw that. This was 2 days after this article came out describing the findings of study showing a connection between teen pregnancy and TV with sexual content.

I talked to Jim after this 2-hour cringe marathon and we've decided on no more network comedy shows. And, since that isn't the only place that stuff occurs, we'll likely do the same for the dramas we like, too. In fact, we're going to unplug the antenna and tuner and put them away at least until Christmas. It will be like an early start on advent. I gave up TV for lent one year and it was actually really nice. I craved it at first, but I'm a reader so I just upped my library borrowing. I was so much more relaxed and it set the tone for me canceling my cable to the point where I now rarely watch TV. Jim was saying that it hardly counts as an advent sacrifice since we'll hardly notice the difference. We'll see.

Yes, I know, kids will see this stuff sometimes. They'll see it at their friends' houses, etc. Once our children are old enough to think critically, I'll probably watch a show with them and critique it for them, then with them. I'll do the same thing with a Cos.mo magazine, too, especially with my girls. I want them to be able to discern media and not just believe everything they see or hear. I know that whatever we watch without comment will be seen as acceptable to us adults, and, therefore, acceptable for them. How many parents watched those shows with their school-age kids in the room and just laughed or said nothing? And they wonder why we deal with STDs, teen pregnancy, etc. Parents who can control the TV have the potential to have more respect from their kids.

We'll still watch TV. We'll just rent the shows we like on DVD and watch them after the kids are in bed. It's a sacrifice in that we can't watch them until the season is over, but we prefer them on DVD because of the special features and ability to pause, etc. We rent them as part of our DVD-by-mail plan so it doesn't cost any more than we already pay per month. This may seem extreme, but we hardly ever watch TV anyway. There is only one show that we are consistent about watching. To be honest, and this may sound strange, but it's kinda stressful trying to catch a show anyway. I find myself rushing to get Andrew in bed on time and getting really frustrated when he cries in his crib while we are trying to listen to the show. If I discipline myself, and just never turn it on, then I can be a better mom and have less stress. I'm not the kind of person who can just watch when I happen to have time. I have to watch every show of the season or none at all.

Are there any genuinely entertaining network shows that don't have:
obnoxious, back-talking school-age kids
cursing
substance abuse (unless it's part of an edifying plot line about getting help)
sexual material of any kind between unmarried people
excessive violence/gore
weak parents with no authority

I know, trick question.

We don't have cable because A.) the expense was not enough of a value, and B.) we will not let the trash from some stations be piped directly into our home. If there is a show I want to watch, I can almost always watch it with limited commercials on the internet, usually on the cable channel's own website. I can pause whenever I want and rewind. It's no Tivo, but free.

Speaking of piping trash directly into your home, Jim and I are trying to figure out what kind of bl.u-r.ay player we'll get. We want one that can be updated via wifi, but they are also ne.tfl.ix ready devices. The last thing we need as parents is to have access to any movie, any time. Can you imagine what kids will watch if they're unsupervised? There is no accountability there. Is it really any movie, any time, for free as part of the paid service? I can handle pay-per-view, because there is accountability there. If we saw a charge that we didn't approve, the kid(s) are busted. Does anyone with that service know? I like how, with the DVDs, I can monitor them beforehand by checking several family-review sites. While having the streaming media sounds cool as an adult, as a parent it is intimidating.

I'm also considering buying a locking cabinet for the DVD's we own that we don't want our kids to see without our permission and our guidance. Does anyone else do that? Any suggestions? I was a sneaky kid and I can see any of our kids watching a movie they aren't supposed to if we're not around. I don't even want them tempted.

Oh, and for parents of older kids, I found some great time management devices! I'm so going to use this stuff as Andrew gets older, especially with the video game consoles. Jim loves video games, but they generally drive me crazy. What bothers me most is that there is no time limit. So I find myself interrupting him to ask when he'll be done. Of course, he'll say something like, "when I get to the next save point." To me, that's not helpful, since my brain works in time increments. Then, sometimes he'll forget and it'll be an hour later before he comes back to reality. If I can barely stand it when my husband plays, I can just imagine how it'll be when all my boys are playing. By using the time management devices, I don't have to be the bad cop. The coolest ones use tokens, so it's like an arcade game. It is a reward, and they can earn tokens, instead of the TV being an entitlement. The devices give warnings when the time is running short and then just cut off when the time limit is reached. The kids would learn fast to take the initiative to keep track of the time and make sure the save frequently and plan ahead. Here is a site where you can compare time managers and another where you can see a bigger selection.

legal risk adoption and our 3-year-old--advice wanted

While this won't come up for another 2 years at least, I am thinking about it now in the hopes that I'll get comments on this for awhile, or that people will share resources with me.

My question is: how do you prepare your 3-year-old adopted child for the placement of a legal-risk child (0-2 years old) in our home?

I have some ideas, but I want some feedback from people who have either been there, done that or who have some training on the issue.

My idea is that we could tell Andrew that we're babysitting the child until his/her mommy and daddy get better. That seems like language that a preschooler would understand, and it's not a lie, just age-appropriate words for a complicated situation. I would tell the children to call each other "friend" and not "brother" or "sister". Jim and I would not be called mom and dad yet to the foster child. However, that might be confusing and alienating, especially if we do get to adopt the child. Andrew would watch us treat the child the same as we treat Andrew, with the same bedtime routine, meal routine, etc. However, at the adoption, we could make a big fuss over it (we would anyway!) and make the new titles part of it. On that special day, we'd become mom and dad to both kids, and they'd call each other siblings, etc.

On the other hand, I could have the legal-risk placement considered as our child from the beginning, with the kids calling each other siblings and both kids calling us mom and dad. That is the most welcoming thing to do. Or is it? If they are a foster child, involuntarily removed from their parents, would they even want to call us mom and dad? After all, they would still legally have other parents. My main concern there is that, if we lost that child, Andrew would think that someone could take him away, too. How traumatic would that be; I can't even imagine. That is why I feel like we need to differentiate between our child who has already been adopted and a child who isn't technically ours yet and whom we could technically lose.

So, for those who have been in this situation, what did you do? Any regrets that you don't mind sharing so that I can learn from them? Any successes you can generously share? I feel like I could handle a legal-risk placement, but I won't do anything to hurt my son. I'd rather him be an only child than traumatize him. However, if we can add to our family in a loving way, I would prefer that.

Halloween 2009

Jim took these on Saturday. We had a fun day, although it ended badly with Andrew getting a stomach virus. He's getting better now, though, thank goodness!

Toddler Adoption

I've blogged about my changing mind too much, but I hope it makes someone else feel better about the challenges of adoption family planning. It is too big of a decision to just know what you want, at least for most people. If you're indecisive about the process, rest assured you fit in just fine with me.

I kept telling myself that I wanted to adopt another newborn. There are so many good reasons to go that route. We had an amazing experience, so why not go that way again? But my heart is so restless and I am succumbing to my heart's desire. I kept telling myself I had cold feet, but I really do think God is doing His whispering thing again. Even after saying I want to adopt another newborn and rationalizing it, I still feel so excited about foster adoption. Every time I go to Mass, it comes up when I'm at my most quiet, and it comes strong. I feel like I want to jump up right them and call the foster-adoption agency. I have been thinking about foster adoption for so many years. I keep saying that I'll do it later, but I don't think that is what God wants this time. I just can't let it go, no matter how hard I try or what I say. I check out the Heart Gallery websites like some women check out shoes or purses. I have heard so many horror stories about foster-to-adopt. However, I've heard lots of horror stories about newborn adoption, too, but our process was relatively easy and textbook, the kind too boring to hear about. It helps me trust God to give us the situation He has in mind for us.

What we're praying about now is trying to do foster-to-adopt of a toddler. We'd start when Andrew is 3, most likely, and try to adopt a child between the ages of 0-2. When we went to the orientation last time, our agency said that they would only do your homestudy if you were open to adopting an 8-year-old or older. But I'm sure we could find an agency for what we're thinking about, at least I know we can if we're doing God's will. I would prefer straight adoption, so that is what we'll probably try to do first. I'm more flexible on that than I was before. Now that I'm already a mom, it would be less devastating if we fostered a child and lost them. While losing any child you love is catastrophic, there is a difference between losing your only child and losing your second child who comes to you as a foster child. I do worry about it for Andrew, though. A 3-year-old probably can't process that kind of loss. I would do my best to prepare Andrew for the loss, and get some expert advice on it, but it still worries me. So, while I feel like I could handle doing the legal-risk (foster then adopt) route, the straight adoption route is probably more ideal for our family if they'll let us.

One funny thing about all this is that, early on, I had my concerns about having a newborn. The last year totally validated that concern! I can't really assess it clearly because of the depression, but being mom to a toddler is so much more fun and fulfilling for me than mothering a newborn. Before, I was terrified of toddlers because their tantrums seemed so intense and, well, they could walk and talk and get into so much trouble. Having a newborn did have its advantages in that you get to start slowly. Now that I've had a toddler for awhile, it is much less scary. I know it will get harder for me as Andrew gets older, but so far the toddler difficulties are easier than the infant difficulties. Our house is toddler-proof now and I'm learning the milestones and normal development schedule. It is much less intimidating now to imagine it than it was a couple years ago.

I have absolutely no regrets about Andrew. It is so obvious to me that God intended him for us in that he fits in so well. He is just a dream come true in every way, and I wouldn't change our path so far for anything. Jim and I needed that newborn experience, and it helped our extended family bond with him. Now that I've had that experience, however, I don't feel strongly called to go through it again. I probably will, if we're open to fostering newborns, but I don't think I'll be upset if it is a toddler who is placed with us instead. I think the newborn parenting will be a little less stressful next time, since I've learned so much, but I'd be OK if I never found out. If God let me get pregnant, I'd rejoice, but, if He's calling us to adoption like I suspect, having a toddler instead of a newborn could be ideal.

Another advantage to going this route is that we could put the money we would have spent on the next adoption into buying a 5-bedroom house years earlier than originally planned. I have this dream of having 4 kids, including a sibling group. If we bought a 5-bedroom house, we could have the space required to legally do that. I never thought I'd want a house that big, but you have to have a separate room for each you child foster/adopt. If we gave birth to our kids we'd double up, but that's not an option in TX adoption. We'd adopt our next child in this house, and, after it's legal and we've got the income, we'd buy the 5-bedroom house, maybe even around the time that Andrew is in Kindergarten or soon after (time will tell, of course). After we've settled in and gotten the kids adjusted to their new school, we could start the process for a very young sibling group of 2. That sounds so much better than adopting another newborn and then waiting 10 years before adopting again. We could have all of our children from a very young age, no older than Kindergarten. Our family growth would be a little more "normal" and easier to adjust to. I'm guessing that, once both kids are 10+, I won't have the energy to bring in 2 more like I've been saying we'll do.

There is one other reason that I think about going the foster route, but it's not enough to chose one way over the other. Basically, as I've said to others, I feel like I've won the lottery already and I have mixed feelings about playing again. For one thing, the process went so quickly and so well, and Andrew is such a bright, healthy child that comparisons would be hard to avoid. How could it possibly be as good the next time? For another, there are so many other waiting parents that I hate to add us again. I know that some birth parents want an older sibling for the child they carried, so we would still have something unique to offer. Still, though, I'll never forget how it felt to finally have a baby placed in our arms. It won't be the same next time, and I want all waiting couples to experience that. Most significantly, having a healthy, bright child makes it easier for me to risk the special needs that a child from foster care will likely have. God blessed us so abundantly, so beyond our expectations, that I want to give back by risking more.

And, yeah, in the spirit of honesty that I try to adhere to on my blog, I am sick of stressing about money to pay for adoption. I don't want to waste our money, and adoption is certainly an honorable way to spend money, but I feel like we've been in hunker-down mode for so long that I'm getting fatigued of it. Our TV needs to be replaced, but it's not enough of a priority. My computer might be dying, but replacing it is super-stressful. I have to watch every nickle in shopping for toys for Andrew. There is great spiritual value in this daily sacrifice, certainly. Plus, it's not like our budget will change by not saving for adoption anymore. However, if we have a genuine reason to spend money, we won't have to stress about it as much. There is a lot of pressure in trying to save up such a large amount of money to grow your family. Taking that pressure away is a blessing. We'll still need to save for the things we want, but we can actually, say, buy a new TV without it pushing back our adoption time line by several months. We still need to be responsible and having some savings for emergencies, and we want to save up for a house down payment, but we'd have flexibility that I've missed.

Toddler Tantrums

They have begun. I don't hate it as much as I assumed I would, although I'm sure they'll get much worse before they fade away.

I've learned a few things that I want to share, and I'd love any comments from experienced people:-)

How I handle it totally depends on the situation. For example, yesterday, he threw a fit in his booster seat because he wanted some of my fresh, organic fruit from the co-op. I happily gave in! While I don't want to reward tantrums, I want to reward his wanting to eat fresh fruit. He doesn't have words yet, so a tantrum is the only emphatic way to ask for something.

On the other hand, the other day I gave him a bite of chocolate cake. My slice was almost gone, and it was a special afternoon with family. He threw a fit to have more, but I anticipated that would happen, and the slice was completely gone and we were packing up to leave before he could get really worked up. I distracted him enough with something that he forgot the cake. I know that he won't forget so quickly as he gets older, but it works for a 12-month-old.

I have learned to never touch him when he's throwing a tantrum. The other day, I tried to calm him down by rubbing his back, but it just aggravated him and ramped up my blood pressure. I felt so powerless and my anger response escalated. Before I realized what I was doing, I was practically begging him to stop crying. Not effective. I need to just tune out the behavior as much as I can and focus on what I need to do. I learned, teaching middle school, how to control my body. I go into a zone where I focus on my breathing, my facial expression, my tone of voice, my posture, my hands, etc., and bring them all to the most calm state I can. I practiced, over the last three years teaching, those physical skills as if they were a sport. Now I can do all that and still get stuff done, so I can do this in public without looking like I'm just standing there ignoring my child. I naturally have a temper, but those three years of practice helped dramatically. So I focus on my body and voice and tune out his, and it helps me stay cool and figure out the actions needed to move him through it.

The best way to handle tantrums is to prevent them altogether, which is impossible, but trying is important. It gives me a sense of control to counterbalance the deer-in-the-headlights feeling the tantrum causes, especially in public. I attempt to always pack a toy, some dry cereal, enough sippy cups, and diaper supplies to give him what he needs or wants when appropriate. I hide what he wants when I can, or take a different route, or play soothing music, or plan my errands around his nap, whatever. Having a battle plan helps, even if it doesn't work, because, like I said, I'm focusing on me and what I can do instead of focusing on his tantrum. The most challenging part is keeping up with the time, and anticipating what he'll want before he wants it. I feel so good when I put him down for a nap just as he's getting tired, or giving him his cup just as he's opening his mouth in a frown to cry from hunger. Those moments are admittedly rare, but very sweet indeed. Those moments I feel like a competent mother, and my self-esteem rises enough to get me through all the dumb things I'll do the rest of the day.

12 Months

He's around 30 inches long and 22 pounds.

I was pretty naive to say that the 11 Month mark would be the end of milestones. I started wanting to write about new developments about a week later! Plus, to make a long story short, I ended up not getting professional portraits done after all, so I have photos to share.

As for his feeding, he is now on whole milk, and I only give him 3 sippy cups a day. The cup holds 7 oz. and I fill it up. His last meal is his dinner, which he usually eats with us. I now give him whatever we're eating for dinner, or at least leftovers from the night before if at all possible. If he's fussy around dinner, I'll give him a few oz. of milk in a cup with a straw while he is in his booster chair. I try to avoid going over 24 oz. of milk to encourage him to eat more of his solids. He no longer gets anything to drink in his room; all of his food is eaten in the living or dining room. I wasn't sure about dropping the bedtime sippy, but he made the decision for me by weaning himself of it. He just stopped drinking it at about 3 weeks ago. After a few nights of wasted milk, I decided it was time to drop it. I wanted to drop it anyway, due to worrying about teeth decay, so I was relieved that he made that transition so easy. We now brush his teeth just about every night.

As for sleep, the afternoon nap is still good for him, but optional. He'll get fussy if I skip it, but not too horrible. Sometimes, I keep him awake until noon and he'll get a nice, long nap, around 3 hours, and that's the only nap of the day. Mostly, though, I'll give him a nap in the morning and again in the afternoon, with a total of 3-4 hours of sleep. He sleeps about 10-12 hours at night. He is still crying it out, and we still check on him every 10-15 minutes of crying until he falls asleep.

He is still "talking" about the same amount, with "dada," "uh oh," and "_an" (fan) being his words. I'm trying to talk to him as much as possible, but I'm still forcing it. The more he talks, though, the more talking to him will be natural and the more I will chatter with him.

He has started dancing a little, and it is so adorable. He's climbing and running, and picking up the smallest pieces of yard debris that the dogs track in, ugh. I'd say that there is very little that he can't do, but I said that last month and he surprised me soon after, so I'm going to keep an open mind there:-)