Dear Birthmother letter

Imagine your dream job. Imagine writing a 20-page cover letter/resume with personal pictures for this dream job. Now imagine it's a dream job that few others have to qualify for much less be chosen for by a total stranger. That's the profile.

That is the hard part about it, and I could get stuck in that negative perspective. At the same time, I think every parent would get a lot out of making a profile book while they are anticipating parenthood. While it's incredibly high-pressure, the most important scrapbook I'll ever make, it's also very personal and even kind of fun. Yesterday I read the book "Dear Birthmother" about open adoption. It is packed with lots of real Dear Birthmother letters and even more letters from the birthmothers to the parents of the child they gave birth to. Almost all of the letters were written after the placement so they weren't true examples, but they were helpful. While the book itself is repetitive and not enjoyable to read, it did make me want to write our Dear Birthmother letter myself. Luckily we don't need to finish the profile for over a month now but I'm glad to get that process started.

As for the profile, I've got it planned out by sections. On the first page is the letter to the birthparent telling them how we feel about adoption and about our future relationship with them. I also mentioned the loss briefly in an effort to show them that we are compassionate about loss. Mostly, I told them that, although they are a stranger now, that we love them and respect them and will share that love and respect with our child and encourage that child to have a relationship with their birthparents if they want and if the birthparent wants. It was a very hard letter to write, but I'm glad I did it. It's very humbling to write.

The second page was fun. I wrote about J.'s personality and how he would be a great dad and what he wants to do to have fun with the kids. Then J. wrote the same about me. We wrote about how we're opposites but in mostly good ways, and how any child would fit in because that child is bound to have something in common with either of us. When I say we're opposites, I'm being literal in reference to the Myers-Briggs personality profile. J. is an ENFP and I'm a ISTJ. While we were engaged, we went on a retreat about personality and how to best communicate with people based on their personality. It was the most enlightening part of our marriage prep! We found out that those two personalities do particularly well with and tend to be attracted to the other, even more so than other personality profiles. I didn't mention the Myers-Briggs in the profile, though, just the highlights of our personality and the strengths that go with it.

Those two pages are probably going to be the most difficult part of the profile. The rest of the book is going to be elaborating on the details, like our neighborhood, J.'s career, our hobbies, our families, etc. Those should be fun and easy as I hope to have mostly pictures with captions. I'm glad I got enough papers to make an extra book for us to keep. This profile will be fun to show to our child someday so they can see what we said about ourselves as future parents. In some ways, while it is a cover letter/resume, it's also a book about our dreams and who we are as a person, too. Someday we'll be glad we had to make it.

As for the rest of this weekend, we're going to focus on getting some of the house projects done for the home study, like child-proofing the house and making the patio and garage safer. Not very exciting, but we might as well get it done since we have three days to work. J. is also going to write his autobiography. We're hoping this is a productive weekend! Next weekend we're going to go shopping, yay! But, for this weekend, we're going to be busy with the chores.

Baby Stuff

I just got great news--it's bonus time! Perfect timing because, once the home study is approved, I have a growing list of stuff I want to buy soon after so we have it on hand. After all, while I'm assuming we'll have to wait a year or so, technically we can be chosen as soon as our home study is approved. Not only that, but it might be a hospital call which would only give us 2 weeks to get ready. Some of the items I want will need to be shipped so I'll want to order it as soon as possible (after approval) so we have it at home and ready to go.

My shopping list:

Baby Furniture:
Mini Co-sleeper, nursing stool

(my mom is already buying us the crib and changing table and she's already given me the rocking chair she used with me when I was a baby--thanks, Mom!!!)

Intake and Output:
Supplimental Nursing System (lact-aid.com), the cooler for the SNS, a tube of Lansinoh, a few bottles just in case, a Hooter-Hider (he he!), formula, enough disposable diapers for a couple weeks for a child of any size from tiny newborn to chunky 6-month-old, diaper pail, changing table pad, disposable wipes in a reusable box, tiny fridge plus a thermos.

(My plan, crazy though it may be, is to try to nurse the adopted baby. Not only that, but I don't want to have to get out of bed for night feedings. Therefore I want a 1.7 cu. ft. fridge to keep by the bed for pre-made bags of formula for the SNS--or for bottles if absolutely necessary. The thermos will be full of hot water. I'll get a bowl, fill it full of the hot water, and dunk the cold bag/bottle in the bowl to warm it up before feeding baby from the bed. One-handed. With the baby right next to me in the co-sleeper. Is this absolutely nuts? Has anyone tried this before? I can't be the first to think of this but I haven't read about it or heard about it. Maybe it's too crazy but I have to find out.)

(Oh, and I'm planning on using cloth diapers, probably Fuzzi Bunz, but I don't want to buy them until I know the starting size of the baby. Hence the two-to-four-week supply of disposables--that should give me enough time to put in the order and wait for it to ship. The reusuable box of wipes will be used later to carry the cloth wipes, probably just baby washcloths.)

Carriers and Traveling:
Hotsling, BabyHawk, "manly" carrier for J., Graco "Passage"or "Alano" travel system, second carseat base.

Grooming and First-Aid:
brush, nail clipper, digital rectal thermometer, nasal aspirator, various baby medicines, medicine dropper and medicine spoon

Clothing:
swaddler, a few outfits for boys and for girls in various sizes age newborn to a chunky six-month-old

OK, ladies, any suggestions? Any vital stuff I'm missing? I'm just talking about stuff you needed or really, really wanted during the first month only. Everything else is going onto the registry.

Adoption Requirements

I received two thoughtful comments on my last post and I wanted to address them. I like educating both loved ones who have been sucked into this and interested internet friends/readers.

The autobiography I wrote is a requirement by Texas law. There is no requirement as to the length that I know of, just a list of questions that I was given to answer. The autobiography will only be read by our home study case worker. It is hard to write because I don't yet know the personality or interests of the person who will read it. Despite it being emotionally grueling, the only reason we write one is for the caseworker to read to prepare for the home study. The caseworker will then decide what kind of questions to ask us during our interviews. I probably wrote too much but I wanted to explain some things in advance. In fact, while it was a difficult experience, it was therapeutic, too. Most of all it was a relief as I get to control the first impression this case worker will have of me. That is my personality, though--people who don't like to write would probably write a shorter, less descriptive autobiography. In fact, if I didn't have such an interesting past, I probably could have halved it. Because some explanations are needed, however, I'm comfortable with the current length. I get to present some past drama in the best light possible before they even meet me.

After we are home study approved, I will begin the profile. That is the scrapbook that will be given to expectant mothers who are considering who to choose to adopt the baby their baby.

The requirements can be frustrating at times, and it is a common complaint that we have to jump through so many hoops but "any" woman or girl can just get pregnant and be a mom. Yes, I've been through that dark tunnel, too. I think most potential adoptive parents have to at least peak down that tunnel if not travel through it. Ultimately, though, the state has to be as objective as possible. That actually makes me feel better, as a caseworker has to really justify it if they "just don't like us" or something.

The house requirements should, quite frankly, be given to every pregnant woman. They are so basic that any reasonable parent has already done them. For example, I kid you not, some of the requirements are that there is no perishable food left out, and that every child has a clean bath towel, and that there is at least one toilet, sink, and bathtub/shower inside the home. The sad part is that obviously something had to have happened to prompt those requirements! There isn't a thing on those lists that we weren't going to do if we got pregnant.

As for the rest of the paperwork, some of it is a state requirement and some of it is to help the agency know which potential adoptive parents to present to each potential birthmother. The more they know about us, and our preferences, the better they know who will match. We have everything to gain from honestly answering all those questions, like our hobbies, interests, careers, personality, and talents. Those things will not count against us, just be used to help the match (at least with a good agency, of course). The birth moms answer those same questions.

The state requirements, on the other hand, are for the benefit of the child--are we or are we not former criminals, pedophiles, abusing substances, etc. The focus is always on the child's safety and best interests. It is easy to tell those questions apart on the paperwork so that takes away some of the threat factor. We have already passed our criminal backround checks which took up half of the paperwork.

The only other paperwork that doesn't fit in either category is the budget worksheet. That is to know if you can afford to raise a child. I guess that does fit in with the child's best interests but I bet it makes a lot of people nervous. Money is always a sensitive topic and a pretty subjective one, too, when it comes to raising kids. If you asked three people what stuff you really needed and how much money you should have to be parents you'd get three different answers. The health questions made me uneasy, too, and I'm pretty healthy. Again, there is some subjectivity there. I think they're just looking for really extreme things (unless you want to adopt from some foreign countries with very strict guidelines).

Mainly I sound so at peace about all this because I rock at paperwork. That is weird, I know. I actually like, I kid you not, balancing our checkbook (except around Christmas when those numbers refuse to cooperate). Doing paperwork is way easier and more rewarding then the drama of the past two years. I am compulsively organized and save everything in a file drawer. For once, I'm good at something in this quest to be a mom! So it's much easier for me to be cool with the requirements than normal people who look at my cross-eyed when I plan to spend my evening filing at home after spending all day filing at work. I get to check of little boxes every time I finish something, too! If I was 12, I'd give myself a gold star:-) Yes, I'm one of those people. And, yes, I'm a former teacher.

I wrote my autobiography!

I was really worried about it, but I wrote it all tonight. It took me 5 hours (with a short dinner break) and ended up 9 pages (that poor social worker). To be fair, there was a ton of questions to answer, over three pages worth. Nine pages isn't bad for 28 years worth of living! Plus, some of the sections overlap a little and, while I tried to avoid redundancy, a little is inevitable just to have some continuity and for the chronology to make sense.

Whew, what a relief. I'll still need to edit it but that is easier than the actual formulation of thought required to just get it down. It's also emotionally grueling. With the questions they ask, you can't help but relive all of your most intense experiences, good and bad. That's the point, after all, so if you don't feel like you've spilled all your secrets then you didn't finish the job. Luckily I have no secrets (I'm a blog writer, after all) so it could have been much more difficult:-)

Now we need to work on the house to prepare it. It seems like we have plenty of time but, since we're going to be busy two out of the next four weekends, we only have two left to get stuff done, and one of those weekends we have some other social plans as well. So while a month seems like a long time, it's likely to fly by.

losses of infertility

While I was hoping that pursuing adoption would magically erase the pain of infertility, there are still weird times when it gets to me. I realized this week that, if I don't get pregnant this cycle, I will hit and cross the 2 year mark of trying to get pregnant. I never, ever, thought that would happen. Heck, I don't think any of our loved ones thought it would happen, either. We were 26 and newlyweds when we began--a good, Catholic couple who wanted lots of babies and starting trying while living in a small apartment and while I was unemployed. J. was working but to say we were living modestly is almost an understatement. While we're not in any way rich now we are doing much better then before. Would I have regretted getting pregnant then even in such modest circumstances? No way. We were full of hope and sure that pregnancy was the default condition for people not preventing. Yes, I had already been diagnosed with PCOS but, please, surely it would happen.

And, yes, I still have moments of denial, moments when I get giddy with the sure knowledge that this cycle, indeed, is The One and we'll have our Happily Ever After, our perfect child in nine short months. A year ago I thought for sure that I would get pregnant (and, of course, stay pregnant) by now. I even thought for a day this week that it might just happen but suffice it to say that for medical details best left unsaid that this is not our month for a miracle (or lets just say it would be even more of a miracle than ever which is saying a lot). When I realized this I was crushed, believe it or not, despite months of knowing it wouldn't happen. So yes, it still hurts sometimes.

Some of the losses of infertility related to adoption seem weird, or maybe just unique, to me. One of those is my interest if not strong desire for natural mothering. As someone who is committed to using NFP as opposed to artificial methods of family planning in the event that we have all of the children that we can responsibly parent (HA!) I learned to appreciate early the miracle of the human body and what a woman can do. When I was briefly pregnant I read tons on natural childbirth and even a little about nursing with the assumption that I would do all that if at all possible. I even learned about cloth diapers. I was gung-ho about attachment parenting, co-sleeping, and even read about vaccines way before I needed to. A lot of this is because of my awesome cousins who are three steps ahead of me on all of this. I don't agree with all of their ideas, and they don't even agree with each other on every idea, but I've taken the "Take what you like and leave the rest" mentality to it and opened my mind.

With adoption, I'm going to have to accept limitations with that, or at least major modifications. While building attachment with be a conscious plan through out their childhood, I'm going to have to have some help with the details. I do hope to use a supplemental nursing system although it's going to be much more work than just breastfeeding alone would have been. Then, because my child will be getting at least some formula, cloth diapering will be more of a challenge since, well, I'll leave those details to another post. Also, co-sleeping will be challenging as well. Still very doable, but feeding the baby while we sleep will take more work with the supplemental nursing system than it would be with simple breastfeeding. That still seems easier than getting up, getting a bottle, warming it up, all while the child is getting progressively more upset and, therefore, louder. Maybe, if I'm very lucky, I can eventually be able to feed the child exclusively without formula, but that would be very amazing. It's this domino effect, with each little detail affecting another little detail. My baby's childhood will not be the same and that is a loss. Will the baby care about all this when they are older? Will it hurt them? Of course not. I have to keep my priorities straight. My baby will still attach. It's just sad for me to give up some of my hopes.

Another unique loss that I don't read about much in adoption is the lack of a romantic story. There is no "and your mommy and daddy loved each other so much that they made a baby together" story--at least not with their mommy and daddy even if it was the case with the birthparents. No "and two became one flesh" for us. I won't carry our love child (I know, I know, I'm a dork to even use that phrase) in my body for nine months. Instead, for us, it's "mommy and daddy loved you so much that we went to classes and filled out reams of paperwork and invited a social worker into our house...". How sweet:-| Yes, this child will know how much they are loved. They will know that their parents were specially chosen for them by their birthmom and/or the agency. This is my loss, my dream dashed. Is it a big deal? No. Will it hurt the child? Of course not. But, still, it is a little loss, too. In a year of grieving it is another issue to cope with.

On a much brighter note, the last class went really well. Talking about infertility got everyone (yep, even the guys) sharing at least a little. It was really positive, too, not a vent session. This is a great group of people and I hope to see them in the years to come with their children. We turned in our application and now we're going to try valiantly to get all of the home repairs done and write the autobiographies done in a month. After looking at the list of requirements that might be too ambitious, and it might have to get put back to the end of June to avoid a meltdown in our home or in our marriage, LOL. It is all doable, though, if we take it one step at a time.

Seeing the application finish line

Jim and I spent the day at CC and it was emotionally draining. This morning we listened to a doctor of child development discuss with us the effects of prenatal drug and alcohol exposure. Wow. It was so hard to listen to. When she brought up brain bleeds in preemies I fought with myself to stay in the room (hearing about graphic health issues make me nauseous). I think that has become the most difficult loss for me in adoption: the loss of control over the prenatal environment of the child. I remember being so scared of hurting my child when I was pregnant. I was inundated with information about all of the dangerous things I could ingest. Even then, even though I had done all that I could to get pregnant and knew about it at the earliest possible opportunity, I still had to remind myself to not take certain OTC medications. All of my concern didn't do any good since we still had the loss and now I'm trusting a complete stranger who may or may not know that she's pregnant at first and who may or may not take care of herself in general. It will be nice to hear, at the time of a match, that the expectant mother does not drink or do drugs. We have to trust her, though, to be honest, so even that will not bring relief that all is well.

To be fair, we also have to remember that any parent could be surprised with developmental issues no matter how careful they are. Plus, while we're scared that this stranger may not care for our child during pregnancy as well as we theoretically would, the birthmother will likely worry that we will raise the child with different values or will turn the child against her. She has at least as many worries as we do. Still, this is something I may have to work through emotionally if the child isn't as healthy as I hope. We have to trust that God has a child in mind for us and He will provide for us and for the child as we grow closer to Him. That said, for now I'm scared and I pray for a healthy child.

We also learned about openness in adoption, including hearing from an adoptive mother who has recently met her son's birthmother. It was a really positive session. The more I go along in this, the less concern I have about openness. The agency seems really great about facilitating that. We are not alone and they have a well-regarded post-adoption counseling program for everyone in the adoption triad. J. and I got some of our questions answered and were satisfied with the answers. I think my biggest concern is that the birthmother and us won't get along, that maybe our personalities will clash, but, even if that happens, we can still be mature and keep the best interests of the child in mind. After all, we don't get along equally well with every member of our family but we still keep things civil in even the biggest conflicts.

One really helpful thing was watching a video of birthmothers who describe their feelings of loss. I really felt their pain--I know what it feels like to leave the hospital with empty arms and to love a child I've carried only to lose them. While our situations are very different, I have empathy, so that helps me to be compassionate and to give them the benefit of the doubt even if our relationship doesn't start well for some reason.

As for the rest of the process, it's challenging and stressful. I'm not sleeping well right now. The good news, however, is that we're almost done with the initial round of paperwork. We've got to call our non-family references and fill in a couple other blanks but we're definitely on track to turn it in this coming Wednesday at the last class.

After the last class and the application, I'm going to give us a couple weeks to write our autobiographies. That will be challenging since we both have several pages of questions about our lives to answer. The autobiography is only for the home study worker to see. They will use it to prepare to ask us questions at the home study interview. While I hope to finish those by the end of May, we also should get a few other things done to the house before sending in the documents to schedule the home study. I'm nervous that we'll pay all that money and they'll come out only to find out that something correctable is wrong with our house and we'll have to start the home study all over. So I'm hoping to turn in the home study documents, including the autobiographies, by the middle of June. That gives us a month to prepare our house. Also, in that month, we have our CPR class and our adoption physical. I've already scheduled those for early June so we just have to stick to our plan and get it done.

While all of that is work, I'm starting to look forward to writing the Dear Birthmother letter and making the profile. That part had me so nervous but, once I saw some and how different they are, I relaxed. I love to scrapbook. I've been not only brainstorming about what I want to say and what pictures to include but I've also been shopping. I already purchased the actual books and several decorative pages and a pack of plain colored paper. I haven't bought any stickers yet but I'm going to see how much space is left and how much money is left in the budget before I go that far. It's likely not necessary. I bought 8.5" x 11" books (as opposed to the normal 12" x 12" books) to save money and make it easier to run the pages through the printer. That leaves me much less room than I'm used to for photos and embellishments. I've also decided that, instead of writing one long 3-5 page letter, the whole book will be the letter broken up into sections with pictures. While it will be for adults, of course, it will be more of a narrative story-book form. That sounds childish but it won't be, it just breaks up the text and makes it easier to get through. I can be too wordy (obviously, with my long blog posts) and this will force me to get to the point. It also makes it easier for me to get my husband into it. I'll give him sections to write that specifically fit his interests or priorities. The agency social worker said that this book will be successful not if it fits a bunch of rules but if it reflects who we are. If I feel creative and happy making it then it will be right for the right person. Plus, I get to show off wedding pics and pictures of our dogs! We won't even need these until the home study is complete which won't be for awhile. Starting the brainstorming now gives me plenty of time to do a good job and get J. involved.

Class went well

Whew, what a relief. I went to the first class tonight and it was a very positive experience. The woman in charge was really friendly and helpful, and the guest speaker was full of good ideas about parenting. The gist of the evening was the legalities of adoption and about attachment. While the speaker didn't talk about attachment much, we did get a binder full of great information. And, besides, we're in a program to try to adopt newborns so we've got time to deal with that. Let's face it: right now I'm much more concerned with creating an awesome profile, LOL. It's hard to imagine having a baby of our own much less trying to deal with potential parenting problems down the road. I'm not saying we don't need to prepare for parenting; I'm just saying that I'm not there yet, emotionally. But it's important to know what resources are there for us now so we can access them when we do need them. Even if the only thing I learned is the name and phone number of a great family therapist it's still what I need at this point. There are so many books and people to help us when the time comes.

The other potential adoptive parents at the meeting were really nice, too. I'm looking forward to continuing to get to know them over the next several classes and in the years to come. Meeting them makes this seem a little more real. The couples seem different enough that, when a woman or couple decides that making an adoption plan is the right way to go, there is enough diversity for a good match. So it'll be exciting to see how it all works out.

I feel nervous and getting impatient about the paperwork although it's not that much. I'm just so busy I don't know when to work on it. I did a little at work during lunch and that seemed to be OK. It's a slow process but better that then never. I am going to call tomorrow to schedule our physicals and I've scheduled our CPR class as well for early June. I'm also nervous about the profile, but seeing some examples tonight helped. They were all so different that I saw there's no wrong answer as long as it expresses who we are. I started brainstorming some fun pictures to include besides the standard posed shots. I'm kind of excited now to start working on it which is a good sign.

It's hard to believe that the search for an agency is over! I spent the last year and a half reading everything I could find about every different kind of adoption and variety of agency. They always said we'd just know, and I felt that way tonight, that sense that this is it (for better or worse). I wasn't settling, or making the decision based on money. I just felt peaceful about it and ready to go. It is strange to be actually moving along in the adoption journey. Awesome, but strange. The classes help, though. Our next one is Saturday and it's going to be a busy day.

Joseph's due date

Today is the day that, had everything not come crashing down on September 28, we'd be parents of our first little one. While we are finally ready to start applying to adopt, today is the day to remember what might have been, what was, and to give praise for what is.

To remember, I bought myself this necklace at Zales:
The blue flower is partly because we believe he was a boy but also to remind me of Mary's intercession and her great love for the son she lost. There are many parents who know this loss and we all pray for each other, that we will meet our children in Heaven someday.

The flower is also appropriate because one of the main ways we coped was to start a garden. While I was recovering from the surgery I had trouble sleeping. Every time I would lie down to rest I would have nightmares. Finally I got off of the couch and some family members went with us to the garden center. We got a bunch of plants on sale and J. and I got to work. The gardening pain was good pain and it helped me feel better physically despite us fearing it would be too much strain. I felt strong working out there, in the southern September sunlight. Caring for life, even plantlife, was what my soul needed then. It was so incredibly healing and every time I look at it I remember the love our whole family and our friends have for us. The flowers in our yard also remind me of the many flower arrangements that family and friends brought or sent us. So the blue flower also honors the love our family and friends have for us.

We also took the time today to buy a new plant for our memorial garden. The jasmine was on sale and I just love the scent:

Please take a moment this Mother's Day to pray for all mothers who have lost a child to miscarriage or an ectopic pregnancy, as well as all those women who are coping with infertility. It is an invisible yet heavy cross that a surprisingly high number of women bear.

OK, we've choosen (again, LOL)

After weighing what we learned from the application packet for Agency B, we've decided on CC again. Best of all, I now feel even better about CC and will be crushed if we're not accepted! Before, I felt like it was a decision based at least partly on the cost of the program. Now I feel like it's a true preference.

Another even better effect of this temporary wavering is that it got me to reconsider our readiness for adopting a Hispanic child. While we in no way think it will be easy to do a transracial adoption, I feel ready to put that option out there and, if we're chosen for that, to do our best for the child. So I'm glad I opened my mind to that.

Whew, I feel better about it now then I did before. Ultimately, it was based on finances but not on cost. It came down to the attitude we were most likely to have based on our personalities. I know that, if we worked with Agency B, I would find myself dreading the bills (even if they were small ones) and I would worry about when they were coming since there is no way to predict them. It would be so easy to nitpick them and get frustrated. Mostly, though, it would be hard to have a good attitude towards the expectant mother if she changed her mind. With CC, due to it being a flat fee, we could focus on healing emotionally from the loss without also getting angry about losing money. It would be easier to wish her well. Plus, since CC provides practical help for all of the expectant mothers, regardless of their choice about adoption, I think the expectant mothers would, hopefully, feel more free to do what is truly right for them. The agency would have less incentive to encourage them either way so the women can make their choice for themselves. There seems to be less potential for a conflict of interest. I'm not saying there is a conflict of interest elsewhere! I'm just saying that when an agency provides help after the birth it does change things (although whether that is a good or bad thing is up to each person to decide).

I wish I felt more optimistic about being chosen this way but, ultimately, it's in God's hands. If He wants us to adopt, and we apply to an agency, then we will be accepted into the agency and we'll be chosen and it will be right and everyone in the process will grow closer to God and have peace. If He doesn't will it, well, we've already grown closer to God just making this decision and, two years or so from now, the agency will negotiate a partial refund and we'll start all over with another agency or another program or do something totally different. Maybe we'll try international adoption, or go on mission trips, or just get more involved in our community. So God can use this to work changes in us no matter how it works out if we let Him.

As for the next step, we're going to the first class with CC this week and we're going to start working on the paperwork with the goal of getting it all done this month. Wish us luck!

Agency packet arrived today

It was much earlier than I expected--they told me on the phone that they mailed it Thursday. I called them Friday to ask about it since, when we contacted them last time, we were planning on doing a special-needs adoption. They said it was fine and to just specify what we wanted on the application.

After reading it over, my only concern is money. While this agency is one of the most financially reasonable (just like CC), they break up the expenses into lots of little amounts. While the final tally will, most likely, be similar to CC, we may feel nickled-and-dimed. Or it might be good to spread it out so much. It's also going to be harder to predict when and how much we'll need to pay at any given time. That is the most unnerving of all. While I want to do this, I'm having a sudden bout of cold feet. Do we really want to spend thousands of dollars that we could really use on other things so that we can have all of the expenses of parenting and the loss of income from me being a SAHM? I didn't feel this way so much with CC since their financial program is so much simpler. While the amount was not insignificant, there isn't a long list of expenses, either. It just seems less intimidating. The best part was not worrying about birthmother expenses with CC. They have an arrangement with a local hospital to help with the cost, plus, with a flat fee, we won't pay any extra if we lose a match. It is so scary knowing that, in addition to the emotional pain of a lost match, we'd lose all of the money we had already paid in addition to having to start all over with costs when we were matched again. Again, with CC that would not happen, just with Agency B. I feel like it would be easier to trust CC because of the simplicity of their program. It is no frills and seems more predictable. Agency B had a whole booklet full of fine print (that I read cover-to-cover, yuck) and CC doesn't do that. While CC seems less exciting, I feel like, the way they are set up, there will be more peacefulness due to the predictability. We won't have as many financial worries unless we have an early placement which is an excellent problem!

At the same time, the application for Agency B didn't raise any major red flags. Their orientation weekend seems really promising, and, while I find it hard to believe they tend to place within a year, it is nice to hear it anyway. Ultimately, though, we can't base this decision on cost or time. Yes, if one program was dramatically more expensive, then cost should be a factor but this is not that situation. With this kind of adoption program, no one can really advertise short wait times since no one knows. So, in this situation, we need to go with our gut since both programs seem high-quality and both seem to have the right attitude about adoption.

Honestly, J. and I don't know which one to choose. We're not leaning either way. One awesome thing about this, though--whichever one we choose, we'll be happy with it because we seriously considered another great option. We are going into this freely which is so important. So this situation is a good thing!

Aaarhg

I feel like such a flake. J. and I are reconsidering CC. To be clear, it's not because of anything bad about CC. They are still one of our top choices. But we've realized some misunderstandings about another top choice and now we're not so sure.

In self-defense, since this blog so far makes me look indecisive to the point of a serious mental illness, I am not usually this flaky. I have made several major decisions quickly and fairly easily. When I bought my first car, I only looked at one used car and never looked back with regret. When I bought my current "new" (now five years old) car I test-drove three models and bought one of them within 24 hours of finding out I needed to replace the old one. When I choose which college to go to, I only applied to one, got accepted by Halloween of senior year, and, with the exception of one major midnight freak-out, never seriously doubted that decision, either. With our house, we only looked at a few with a realtor and only considered two. Even with my husband, I knew within minutes of meeting him that he was the one and, while I had one case of cold feet in which I wanted to elope, LOL, I never doubted that he was the one nor have I once in the past 3+ years. So I am capable of major decisions! The only major decision in which I went back and forth was when I discerned religious life. Even then, I knew the convent I liked best fairly early. It just took a lot of time and back-and-forth to know if I truly belonged in a convent or not.

Also, this is the first major decision, other than the house, that my husband and I had to be in total agreement. It's also the first major decision that will forever affect an innocent child for their whole life, and it will also affect the birthmother for her whole life, too (at least to the extent that she chooses to let it affect her, meaning that she chooses how much to be involved or how much contact she has with us). It's also a major financial decision and, while the house costs considerably more, a house is seen as a good investment while the adoption is more optional and will only lead to many more expenses. I also plan to leave work to be a SAHM so that will cost us even more in lost income.

As for reevaluating the agency, it started yesterday afternoon when I was looking back at an agency in order to help another adoptive parent. While I had reluctantly eliminated that agency as being too expensive for us, I knew it was a good one and wanted to share it. When I looked at it again, however, I saw that I had misread the fees. It is actually half as much as I thought! Because it's such a good agency, that got my mind going. Like I said, nothing has changed with CC and it's still a top choice. I've liked this other agency for awhile, though, and only reluctantly decided against it earlier. We now have two great options.

One good thing has come out of all my looking into the agencies, however: we have now eliminated all but three agencies (out of an original seven) and one of those three just never seemed quite right. I can't even give a logical reason for it, but the third just never appealed to us in our gut. So hopefully we're really down to these two agencies. Both are excellent. Both are also very different. So we're comparing a really good apple to a really good orange. Either will be a good choice, we now have to decide which experience we'd prefer.

Before I get into how the agencies are different, I want to say something about discerning with my husband and how much better we've gotten at it. Up until last night, major discussions about adoption usually involved communication mistakes by the both of us including disengagement and defensiveness just to name a couple. We'd been getting better about it recently but it didn't dawn on me until last night. Even though we had decided on CC, when I brought up this other agency again, J. barely blinked before we got right into it. He was open to the discussion and interested. We've also gotten dramatically better about discussing two major tough issues: race and money. Before, either one of those topics would typically get one of us either to shut down the conversation or get really upset. Now, though, we've had lots of practice and we were able to get through one of our toughest discussions yet with much less drama. As J. said, we're growing in holiness which is the whole point of this. I love that man:-)

Dealing with issues of race has been the biggest eye-opener and, last night, I saw ways in which we have more resources then I previously thought to parent a Hispanic child. When I think about transracial adoption now, I have four qualities I would look for in deciding whether or not we have enough resources to parent a child of a particular race:

1. Do we have at least one close friend or family member who is that race?
2. Do we have at least one close friend or family member who highly supports our adoption of a child of that race? (without enough loved ones who are against it to cancel out that support or family members who are vocally racist against that race)?
3. Does our church contain a significant percentage of people of that race?
4. Does our neighborhood contain a significant percentage of people of that race?

Those have become my criteria and, while before I was hesitant about adopting a Hispanic child, I now see that we can say yes to all four questions. While I'm still nervous about a transracial adoption in general, I am more open to it at the same time. I think part of that is getting better at discussing it. The better we are at talking about it, the less foreign of an idea it seems. As long as we approach it as a transracial adoption (instead of pretending the issue doesn't exist) and as long as we can discuss it and continually learn ways to support our children, we will be starting in a good place.

Anyway, I mentioned that the two agencies are very different from each other. Agency A supports the expectant mother financially whether or not she decides to parent while Agency B is an adoption agency first and foremost. Both provide counseling and both allow the expectant mom to change her mind at anytime with no financial repercussions. Both agencies treat the birthmothers great (as far as we know anyway) and both have a birthmother support group. Agency B actually seems to have more resources for the birthmother before birth but, like I said, no concrete help for the birthmom who needs help to parent. While that was a major concern, we also have realized that, if an expectant mom fully intends to parent, she is more likely to go to a pregnancy resource center or to a place where she can get help with that. My husband and I financially support the local pregnancy resource center and believe in helping moms who need that extra support. That said, it doesn't make it wrong to go to an adoption agency, either, if that is what we want. After all, if an expectant mom goes to a place that has adoption in the name, she knows what she is there to learn about. As long as they aren't pressured into it we are supporting those women who want what they decide is for the best for their baby.

As for race, Agency A has one program regardless of race. That is my preference. Agency B has a special needs program, including AA children, children with severe health issues, and sibling groups. The cost for the special needs children is a little less, but not half as much like in many other agencies. It is not such a dramatic difference that it would affect our decision. And, as J. and I have learned, AA children are hard to place and do have special needs. This is a reality. While all people of color potentially face racism, I feel safe to say (despite having no experience with it myself) that it is different for African Americans. While all people of color have been mistreated in this country, both officially and in subtle ways, the AA experience is unique. So, while I do wish that program didn't cost less, I have less disagreement with it then before. Plus, while many agencies made me feel pressured to consider a special needs child, I don't feel that pressure with either Agency A or Agency B. I feel like J. and I can make the best decision for the child and for us with either one.

As for cost, the programs are different but both will likely be about the same. Agency A has a fixed fee based on a sliding scale and payment by installments. That fee covers the birthmom's medical expenses. Agency B has a smaller fixed fee plus the expenses particular for the birthmothers that choose us. With Agency B, the initial payment and the payment at placement will be about the same as with Agency A. It's the middle that is different. While at first I thought it would be much better to know what we are paying up front, now I see the value in paying the expenses of a particular woman. True, we are more likely to cope with feelings of resentment if a birthmom at Agency B changes her mind, in which case we lose that money and still have to pay the expenses for the next birthmom that chooses us. However, it will be nice to know that we're not going to pay medical bills until we've been matched and we agree to the match. While we wait, however, we don't pay anything with Agency B. Overall, we're likely to pay about the same amount regardless of which of these two agencies we choose, and both are the most reasonable of all the ones I've looked at. One serious difficulty with Agency B is that there are no refunds, whereas with Agency A there are if we have a serious reason to change our minds or if we somehow get pregnant. At the same time, because we don't pay the majority of the money until we have a match, we are not likely to lose as much money with Agency B (just the initial payment). With both agencies the homestudy fee is non-refundable.

Another difference is location. Agency A is local and only works with local adoptive families and local expectant mothers. Agency B works with people from all over the state and even the country. While J. had concerns about that in abstract, many of those concerns have been resolved by this particular agency. For one, their training is all done in one weekend. During that weekend we have time to get to know other potential adoptive parents. Plus, this agency isn't too far away, only about 3 hours or so, and it's in a very nice town that we've vacationed in before. Plus, other then that weekend, we don't need to go there for much (at least as far as I know so far). His main concern was communication with the birthmother as we want an open adoption. I've learned, however, that most communication with the birthfamily is through letters and phone calls (and email when possible). I have no problem whatsoever paying long distance to call the birthmom or even sending her a long-distance pre-paid phone card if that is the only thing impeding communication. The main benefit for having a local agency is it is easier for training but a weekend away to focus on adoption isn't bad, either. So having a local agency is nice but not as important to us.

As for the intangibles, Agency B just seems like such a positive group of people to be around. There is an advantage to working with people focused on adoption just like there is an advantage to working with people focused on helping expectant mothers. Agency A is smaller and local, Agency B is bigger and serves people from all over. Agency A is more about helping the needy of all kinds, Agency B is focused on helping complete families. Both are great! So it comes down to our gut. What experience do we prefer? I feel like Agency A is the noble choice, while my gut is feeling called more to Agency B. My husband is leaning towards Agency B, too, but he is unsure as well.

All of this back-and-forth has also helped me to become more humble. When I started on this adoption journey, I thought I had so much figured out. The more we discuss it, however, and the more we disagree, and more we talk with loved ones, the more I have to learn. I have come to see that there is no wrong way or right way to adopt, nor is there one answer for transracial adoption. I have seen that in some areas I was being judgmental and, while that is painful lesson to learn, it's better to learn that now then later. I'm more compassionate to all adoptive families. I also saw that one of the reasons that I was so quick to decide on CC is that it seemed like the noble thing to do because they financially support the expectant mother whether she chooses to parent or chooses to adopt. How important is it to be noble? Our adoption choices do say something about who we are and our values. So all of this debate is ultimately a good thing. I sure will be happy when we've been approved by an agency, though!