Going back to the RE (reproductive endocrinologist)

On a whim, I made myself an appointment. It's a few weeks from now. I had not consciously thought about this in many months, and I don't know why it's hitting me now. I thought I would never go back.

Oh, and before I go any further, let me reassure you that this blog will not get into the boring details of what cycle day I'm on or what symptoms I'm having. I have an infertility blog just for that. This blog will cover the big picture as it affects my daily life and our goals, but will focus on Andrew and our family life. So, for those of you who have gone through treatment and never want to hear another word about it, I'll spare you the details. When I started looking into adoption, I stopped wanting to read about that stuff, too. If I must write a post here about the details, I'll warn you in the title of the post. This is an adoption blog, and I intend on honoring that with the content.

Anyway, I never thought I would go back. The last time I went was almost 2 years ago. I went intending to get some answers. At that point, we had been trying for over a year and I was impatient. I went in that first time asking for testing, but, by the end of the consultation, I was asking for clomid and we went from there. Two months later, I was pregnant and I never saw the doctor again. A month later, I was in the ER and vowing never to go to any of those doctors ever again. I was so afraid. The physical and emotional healing from that ER visit made me feel like I would never be whole again.

But, a year and a half later, I do feel whole. I feel better than whole! I have forgiven myself for what happened, as well as God, the doctors, and the midwife (who failed to realize it was an ectopic and, therefore, let it rupture instead of getting it treated before it became an emergency). I'm still very leery of even the chance of an ectopic, but I don't need to let that fear rule my life anymore. If I ever get pregnant again, I have a very competent OB who will do everything he can to keep me out of the ER. I'll go see him the day I get a positive pregnancy test!

This time, I feel at peace going into the RE's office. I feel much more patient. Last time, I wanted to be a mom; this time I am a mom already. Last time, I felt like pregnancy was my only option; this time, I know how great adoption can be for building families. Last time, I wanted the idea of pregnancy; this time, I know how exhausting and overwhelming pregnancy can be. Last time, I felt like I had no control over the process; this time, I know what I can and can't control and accept it. Last time, I took over the process; this time, I'm getting Jim in on it and we're partners. Last time, I was worried about the morality of it; this time, I know in my head, heart, and gut what is and isn't moral and don't worry about crossing the line. Finally, this time I know how long this process is and how exhausting it will be. Been there, done that. I'm in a better place to do this.

I also know what I'm looking for this time. I want to know what my ovaries are really doing. I've had 5 cycles in the last 6 months. It usually takes over a year to have that! But, still, no pregnancy. My big question is: are my ovaries releasing an egg, and, if so, is that egg mature enough to be fertilized? I doubt it, as the doctors have suspected it and ruled out all the other possible reasons for infertility. Therefore, I want the doctor to monitor at least one full unmedicated cycle (no fertility drugs). They can do blood work, and ultrasounds of my ovaries throughout the cycle, to find the answers to my questions. I also want the doctor to make sure that my right tube is still open. There is a non-surgical test they can use, the HSG test, in which they inject dye to see if it goes through the fallopian tube. Laproscopy is also an option, but I doubt they'll want to do that, since the ER surgeon found no endometriosis or anatomy issues while he was removing my left tube.

If the monitoring finds that my ovaries are, indeed, not doing what my NFP chart says they're doing, then Jim and I will consider if we want to go through clomid again. Of course, after what happened last time, the doctor might not even let me do clomid again, but we'll see. I still don't know how I feel about it. I know clomid works for me, but do I risk it? I'll never know if the ectopic was caused by an already-blocked tube, or if it was caused indirectly by the clomid. Even PCOS can increase the chances of having an ectopic pregnancy. I don't worry about ending up in the ER again, since they have medication to remove it before it ruptures, but the emotions of having another ectopic would be grueling, plus I could lose my last fallopian tube and be permanently sterile. So we'll pray about it if the doctor gives us the option and it appears to be the only realistic, moral way of having a pregnancy. I have faith that, if Jim and I discern that possibility together, we'll do God's will and find peace with the results.

The thing is, I do want to get pregnant again. I was afraid if it for the last year and a half, but I'm feeling better about it now. At my playgroups, I see women getting pregnant again, and I see women discreetly nursing under their blankets, and I want that option for our second child. We'll always have our firstborn, and we had a great experience adopting. I know we can go through that again if God provides and be happy with it. But I do feel called now to try again.

However, I no longer feel like TTC (trying to conceive) is an all-or-nothing thing. I'm not going to do anything and everything to get pregnant. I'm not going to do Metformin and deal with constant tummy troubles, or go buy whatever herbal supplement or device that claims to work. Unfortunately, I'll have to chart my fertility signs from now on until the end of the doctor visits, but that doesn't mean it has to rule our lives this time. I'm much more relaxed about our timing of intimacy. We've been trying off-and-on for a pregnancy for almost three years, so I don't worry about missing our opportunity for one month. So I hope to keep my life in balance this time instead of letting the emotions of TTC rule my life once again. After all, I've got a baby to take care of!

Finally, I'm doing much better about bringing Jim into this. Back when I was all-out TTC, I not only let it rule my life, but I completely took it over. It was all about me and what I wanted. I resented my husband for not being more supportive, but, if I bothered to ask what he was thinking, I would interrupt him, or worse, get upset with him if he didn't agree with me. Can you say selfish? This time, I'm enjoying asking him what he thinks and, yes, feels about it. I can't honestly say that he enjoys talking about it, but he's making that effort for me and I appreciate it. Luckily we're starting on the same page this time, but I hope to keep listening to him about it by asking good questions and taking the time to close my mouth and wait for the answers, even if I don't like them. I want this process to be unitive, not divisive. He's also going to the first appointment with me to help me ask for what we want and stay focused.