Completely Attached

I'm writing about how I'm completely attached, not Andrew. He's been completely attached for awhile now. But it took me much longer.

When we first brought Andrew home, I assumed that I should be completely attached quickly, in a matter of weeks. That was the idea I had in my mind. I started to realize early that I wasn't as attached as I thought I should be, so I faked it. I couldn't tell Andrew that I loved him until the finalization, although it slipped out on accident a few times beforehand anyway. Other than consciously avoiding telling him I loved him, I behaved like an attached mom as much as I could. It wasn't until the finalization, though, that it started to feel real. Until then, I worried that someone would legally take him away, so I was defending my heart.

I wish I could say that it was just about adoption, but I think that I would have taken a long time to attach to any baby. Now that my depression is being treated, I look back on the last year with sadness, knowing that so much of my angst was preventable. I have every reason to believe that I would have had postpartum depression had I given birth to my child. Had I not been dealing with depression, I probably would have attached months earlier than I did.

I also know that part of my long time to attach was because of my personality. When I was pregnant, I couldn't accept that baby. I spent the whole first month of my pregnancy, which turned out to be the only month of pregnancy, trying to distance myself just in case we lost the baby. When we did lose the baby, I spent months regretting that distance I created. Looking back, I wish I had been able to embrace pregnancy right from the start. I wish I had good memories of being pregnant. As it is, all I remember is worry, anxious dietary restrictions, and physical pain and discomfort. After the first joyful moment of getting a positive pregnancy test, and the excited phone calls to the new grandmothers, it was downhill from there.

That attitude of distance was my choice, although I do wonder if a part of me knew that the pregnancy wasn't healthy. Anyway, my point is that I don't bond quickly. I have a skeptical, distrusting nature with any person. Once I'm attached to a person, I'm intensely loyal, but it takes me a long time to get to that point. Add a mental illness to that, and attachment will naturally take a longer time than it normally would.

Looking back on this first year of parenthood, I have so many mixed feelings. I wish I had gotten medical help sooner. I was so tired during the first 3 months that I barely remember it. The learning curve was so steep, and I did so many things wrong with baby care. However, nostalgia is already kicking in. I love this child so much! I am already starting to feel like I gave birth to him myself. Not in a way that disregards adoption, but in a way that he is my own now. I can feel that way while still honoring his adoption experience and loving his birth parents.

While I see so much negativity in this past year, I also have so many awesome memories. I've made new friends, and gotten so much affection from both loved ones and strangers for this boy. Our little family has had so many laughs and fun times. Andrew has gotten us out of the house more often than we used to, so that we can show him the world. He's also gotten us healthier, as I've started eating more fruits and veges and doing other healthy things to set a good example. We've had so much fun with the extended family, too. I feel closer to my mom, and family reunions are so much more fun. Mainly, though, I feel like Andrew is my buddy. The house is so quiet when he's at Mother's Day Out! I missed him on our vacation. He's such a cool little guy, and I can't imagine life without him. Sometimes, I catch myself in pre-baby thinking, like when I plan on sleeping in. But sometimes I feel like I've been a mom my whole life, like everything happened to prepare my heart for him.