Patience

This post will probably be deep, or at least it feels that way. Although, really, doesn't everything written at midnight seem deep? Anyway, I've been reflecting on patience with my child. Not in a patience-with-bad-behavior way, but patience with monotony or slow progress. An example would be walking with Andrew on the sidewalk and him stopping every few inches to pick up yet another dead leaf. A trip to the mailbox can easily take 15 minutes, and that's if I steer him in the correct general direction.

As Andrew has gotten older and more cognizant of what I'm doing, I have to give him more attention. I want him to have good language and social development, and I play a part in that development. While I don't want to go overboard, I see my day job as being an educator. When I first became a mother, I just saw my day job as a series of mundane tasks to keep Andrew alive and not crying, but, as Andrew has grown, my job has changed and I now have to give him so much more. While the mundane tasks are much easier, he is now awake more and gets bored so quickly.

The role of educator is much more fulfilling, and my self-esteem has improved as I've taken on that role. But it requires a new kind of patience, really a new level of self-giving. I am inherently stingy. It is my nature to see fairness and efficiency before generosity. On the other hand, one of my in-laws is generosity incarnate. I'm not saying that others aren't generous, just that this person has made me rethink my approach to life. It is her gift, her charism, a way that the Holy Spirit works through her in a unique way. While I don't ask for that charism, I do seek to learn from it, to let the Holy Spirit teach me how to let go of my need for efficiency all the time.

Life with a toddler is pointing out my stinginess in a new, uncomfortable way. An adult won't pull on your leg and cry when you're sitting at the computer "too long". An adult won't throw food at you if you aren't paying attention to them at the table. An adult won't grab your ipod during your game of sudoku when they're doing their own thing. As an educator, I should be grateful for these interactions, these opportunities to get back to work. As a young adult who's never had to give quite so much, though, it's humbling and, yeah, frustrating.

I don't want to leave this post so negative, though, as I'm really enjoying motherhood more now. As I mentioned, my self-esteem is much better. I've had so much fun choosing which toys I want to get Andrew. We have a very limited budget, so I have to choose very carefully. There are so many developmental stages he'll be getting to soon, and some of them require some kind of materials (like stacking, for example). Also, playing with him is almost getting fun now. While it can be a drain to spend 15 minutes walking down the driveway, I do enjoy seeing life through his eyes. Andrew is in a stage where he is constantly giving me stuff and taking it back, and it's kinda fun. It won't be long before he enters pretend play, which will actually require a spark of brainpower on my part. Oh, and it is actually a blast to play with him in the tub. Well, I sit on the side, but he gets so excited when I dump water on him. I got him some cool water toys for his bday coming up.

Playing with him is not all a drag, far from it. But it is humbling to see how often my mind wanders, and how often I really want to do something unimportant instead. I have some really good ideas for advent, like giving up my ipod in the house when Andrew is awake. I've already started turning off the computer when he's hanging out in the living room, simply because he'll mess with the wires if it's on. That said, I do sometimes put him in the pack-n-play in the early morning if he's peacefully playing alone while I check my email. That's fine while he's happy, but I tend to drag it out even as he starts to get bored, so another advent sacrifice could be turning off the computer when he's awake. Then, that leaves chores. When I get bored with him, it is so tempting to be getting something done--not to be productive, but to feel important or to kill time. I'm more and more likely to run errands just to have an excuse to put him in his carseat until it's time for his next nap. Or, I'll sit him in his pack-n-play while I wash dishes or do some other cleaning because I care so much about my to-do list.

It's all about balance, and I am in no way saying that getting stuff done while your toddler is awake is bad. I've read that it's good for them to see you work, so they don't think your life revolves around them. Eventually, he can imitate me washing dishes, or vacuuming, and it will be good for him. He'll learn about service. The computer can be used as an educational tool, and it does help me get the information I need to be a better educator. I have cut down dramatically on the number of blogs I read per day, and my time on message boards is now almost nil. I'm just saying that Andrew has reached the point where he's bringing it to my attention when I'm not present to him, and it's humbling. When I use something good, even washing dishes, to avoid the boredom of really paying attention to my son, it becomes something I need to deal with.