Toddler Adoption

I've blogged about my changing mind too much, but I hope it makes someone else feel better about the challenges of adoption family planning. It is too big of a decision to just know what you want, at least for most people. If you're indecisive about the process, rest assured you fit in just fine with me.

I kept telling myself that I wanted to adopt another newborn. There are so many good reasons to go that route. We had an amazing experience, so why not go that way again? But my heart is so restless and I am succumbing to my heart's desire. I kept telling myself I had cold feet, but I really do think God is doing His whispering thing again. Even after saying I want to adopt another newborn and rationalizing it, I still feel so excited about foster adoption. Every time I go to Mass, it comes up when I'm at my most quiet, and it comes strong. I feel like I want to jump up right them and call the foster-adoption agency. I have been thinking about foster adoption for so many years. I keep saying that I'll do it later, but I don't think that is what God wants this time. I just can't let it go, no matter how hard I try or what I say. I check out the Heart Gallery websites like some women check out shoes or purses. I have heard so many horror stories about foster-to-adopt. However, I've heard lots of horror stories about newborn adoption, too, but our process was relatively easy and textbook, the kind too boring to hear about. It helps me trust God to give us the situation He has in mind for us.

What we're praying about now is trying to do foster-to-adopt of a toddler. We'd start when Andrew is 3, most likely, and try to adopt a child between the ages of 0-2. When we went to the orientation last time, our agency said that they would only do your homestudy if you were open to adopting an 8-year-old or older. But I'm sure we could find an agency for what we're thinking about, at least I know we can if we're doing God's will. I would prefer straight adoption, so that is what we'll probably try to do first. I'm more flexible on that than I was before. Now that I'm already a mom, it would be less devastating if we fostered a child and lost them. While losing any child you love is catastrophic, there is a difference between losing your only child and losing your second child who comes to you as a foster child. I do worry about it for Andrew, though. A 3-year-old probably can't process that kind of loss. I would do my best to prepare Andrew for the loss, and get some expert advice on it, but it still worries me. So, while I feel like I could handle doing the legal-risk (foster then adopt) route, the straight adoption route is probably more ideal for our family if they'll let us.

One funny thing about all this is that, early on, I had my concerns about having a newborn. The last year totally validated that concern! I can't really assess it clearly because of the depression, but being mom to a toddler is so much more fun and fulfilling for me than mothering a newborn. Before, I was terrified of toddlers because their tantrums seemed so intense and, well, they could walk and talk and get into so much trouble. Having a newborn did have its advantages in that you get to start slowly. Now that I've had a toddler for awhile, it is much less scary. I know it will get harder for me as Andrew gets older, but so far the toddler difficulties are easier than the infant difficulties. Our house is toddler-proof now and I'm learning the milestones and normal development schedule. It is much less intimidating now to imagine it than it was a couple years ago.

I have absolutely no regrets about Andrew. It is so obvious to me that God intended him for us in that he fits in so well. He is just a dream come true in every way, and I wouldn't change our path so far for anything. Jim and I needed that newborn experience, and it helped our extended family bond with him. Now that I've had that experience, however, I don't feel strongly called to go through it again. I probably will, if we're open to fostering newborns, but I don't think I'll be upset if it is a toddler who is placed with us instead. I think the newborn parenting will be a little less stressful next time, since I've learned so much, but I'd be OK if I never found out. If God let me get pregnant, I'd rejoice, but, if He's calling us to adoption like I suspect, having a toddler instead of a newborn could be ideal.

Another advantage to going this route is that we could put the money we would have spent on the next adoption into buying a 5-bedroom house years earlier than originally planned. I have this dream of having 4 kids, including a sibling group. If we bought a 5-bedroom house, we could have the space required to legally do that. I never thought I'd want a house that big, but you have to have a separate room for each you child foster/adopt. If we gave birth to our kids we'd double up, but that's not an option in TX adoption. We'd adopt our next child in this house, and, after it's legal and we've got the income, we'd buy the 5-bedroom house, maybe even around the time that Andrew is in Kindergarten or soon after (time will tell, of course). After we've settled in and gotten the kids adjusted to their new school, we could start the process for a very young sibling group of 2. That sounds so much better than adopting another newborn and then waiting 10 years before adopting again. We could have all of our children from a very young age, no older than Kindergarten. Our family growth would be a little more "normal" and easier to adjust to. I'm guessing that, once both kids are 10+, I won't have the energy to bring in 2 more like I've been saying we'll do.

There is one other reason that I think about going the foster route, but it's not enough to chose one way over the other. Basically, as I've said to others, I feel like I've won the lottery already and I have mixed feelings about playing again. The process went so quickly and so well that comparisons of the adoption experience would be hard to avoid. We only waited 2 months for a match last time, and were chosen by the first birth mother who viewed our profile book, not to mention the hospital call, so no anxious wait for the birth and wondering if she'd change her mind. We had no real issues with the process, no major stresses. There is no way it would go that smoothly again, and I'd likely stress even more because of that.

For another, there are so many other waiting parents that I hate to add us again. I know that some birth parents want an older sibling for the child they carried, so we would still have something unique to offer. Still, though, I'll never forget how it felt to finally have a baby placed in our arms. It won't be the same next time, and I want all waiting couples to experience that. There will be awe and wonder for every child placed in our arms, but I doubt it will ever be like the first time in that finally becoming parents was like nothing else.

Most significantly, having a healthy, attached child with textbook development makes it easier for me to risk the special needs that a child from foster care will likely have. God blessed us so abundantly, so beyond our expectations, that I want to give back by risking more. All of our children will be treasured, but I accept the risks of developmental delays, attachment difficulties, and other parenting challenges due to the child's earlier experiences, and in-utero environment, as well as their loss and grief from being separated from family or caregivers they've attached to. I wasn't ready to take on those challenges on top of the steep learning curve of parenting a newborn. Now, though, that we've got parenting experience, I feel ready to let God send us those challenges if it is His will.

And, yeah, in the spirit of honesty that I try to adhere to on my blog, I am sick of stressing about money to pay for adoption. I don't want to waste our money, and adoption is certainly an honorable way to spend money, but I feel like we've been in hunker-down mode for so long that I'm getting fatigued of it. Our TV needs to be replaced, but it's not enough of a priority. My computer might be dying, but replacing it is super-stressful. I have to watch every nickle in shopping for toys for Andrew. There is great spiritual value in this daily sacrifice, certainly. Plus, it's not like our budget will change by not saving for adoption anymore. However, if we have a genuine reason to spend money, we won't have to stress about it as much. There is a lot of pressure in trying to save up such a large amount of money to grow your family. Taking that pressure away is a blessing. We'll still need to save for the things we want, but we can actually, say, buy a new TV without it pushing back our adoption time line by several months. We still need to be responsible and having some savings for emergencies, and we want to save up for a house down payment, but we'd have flexibility that I've missed.